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<title>If You Were a Vegetable You'd Be a Cutecumber by robin_X3</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27279874">If You Were a Vegetable You'd Be a Cutecumber</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/robin_X3/pseuds/robin_X3'>robin_X3</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Shizu-chan by Getting Him Fired? [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Durarara!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Attempt at Humor, Bad Flirting, Bad Pick-Up Lines, But there's less of the shopping and more of the flirting, Crack, Fluff, Grocery Shopping, Humor, It started with a meme, Izaya is bad at flirting, M/M, Shizuo is an oblivious idiot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:34:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,426</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27279874</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/robin_X3/pseuds/robin_X3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p> Hey Shizu chan, is that a banana in your pocket or are you just excited to see me?”</p>
  <p>Shizuo started taking off his apron.</p>
</blockquote>In which Shizuo is a grocery store clerk and Izaya is a very persistent, flirtatious shopper.<p>[This fic is a part of a series of (un)related one-shots in which Shizuo gets a new job and Izaya manages to get him fired.]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Shizu-chan by Getting Him Fired? [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1988926</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Fleaaa..." Shizuo growled. "What are you doing in Ikebukuro?" </p><p> </p><p>"You know me. Just shopping around, getting me some groceries, the usual." Izaya chirped, ominously chipper.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re telling me you walked 5 kilometers just to buy groceries?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes?”</p><p> </p><p>“You <b>chose </b>to walk for one hour instead of just going to the convenience store across the road from your apartment?”</p><p> </p><p>“Pff,” Izaya flipped his wrist dismissively, “It takes 1 hour if you take traditional walking methods like footpaths. Rooftops are a much faster avenue of transportation. I don’t get why more people don’t use it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Because people are not as crazy as you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re wearing the same exact outfit you wear everyday.”</p><p> </p><p>“Aww, I knew it! You<b> were</b> checking me out!” </p><p> </p><p>“I was making sure you’d left Ikebukuro for good, you good for nothing louse!”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you for walking me home, sugar bunny.”</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t actually..”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll be off shopping now. Don’t work your pretty little <b>stupid </b>head off worrying about me.”</p><p> </p><p>“...ass.” Shizuo grumbled under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>“You want a piece of these buns, don’t lie to yourself.” Izaya winked from two aisles away.</p><p> </p><p>How the hell did he hear him?</p><p> </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>Shizuo looked up from his sudoku puzzle, worriedly checking the clock on the far wall on top of the entrance. It had been nearly 15 minutes since Izaya had entered the 24x7 convenience store where Shizuo had very recently started working, <b>not</b> (directly) insulted him, which was shocking in and of itself, and disappeared between the aisles labelled- baby food and murder weapons.</p><p> </p><p>You can’t really blame Shizuo for worrying.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t a very busy neighbourhood to begin with. And due to it being a semi week-long government holiday, people had gone off to vacation and party, so the streets were mostly empty. None of his coworkers had even showed up today, and he was already serving overtime since last night- getting fired from all these jobs had terribly dwindled his pocket and reserves, so he welcomed the workload in favour of being able to pay his rent.</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t know what kind of shit Izaya could pull surrounded by groceries- maybe he could cast spell to reanimate the dead meat, or make giant monster asparagus to fight Shizuo to the death, or put poison in the dairy section in his attempt to kill Shizuo, or enchant baby clothes so the babies that wear them become subservient to him and him only and he’ll make an army of flea babies….</p><p> </p><p>Ok maybe Izaya wasn't a witch, but you could never predict anything when it came to Izaya. </p><p> </p><p>He needed this job- he couldn’t let Izaya mess this up too. Shizuo sighed and bookmarked his Sudoku puzzle. He had a pest to exterminate.</p><p> </p><p>Tightening the bow on his apron, Shizuo let his senses run amock as he walked past the aisles in an attempt to find Izaya's distinct flea stench. </p><p> </p><p>He found him at the meat section, biting his lip in deep thought, not noticing him approaching. </p><p>Shizuo tiptoed closer silently, like a predator approaching a prey, but somehow, by whatever miraculous phenomenon that allowed Shizuo to find Izaya anywhere, Izaya noticed Shizuo's presence without even looking. Startled, he quickly shoved a crumpled piece of paper that was in his hand into his pocket, which Shizuo wouldn't have paid any attention to if he hadn't looked like a guilty rat. Shizuo opened his mouth to call him out on the act, "What're you hiding ther-"</p><p> </p><p>"Wow—fancy MEAT-ing you here, Shizu chan. Get it? How 'meat' and 'meet' are homophones? You should help me stop talking, with your mouth." Izaya grinned lasciviously, but Shizuo wasn’t looking at his face.</p><p> </p><p>Shizuo made a wild grab for Izaya, which he dodged.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay I know I asked for this, but I can sue for harassment.” Izaya warned, slapping Shizuo’s hand away when he tried to grab again at the pocket where Izaya had hidden his little note.</p><p> </p><p>“Wha-?”</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t sue you. On one condition.” Izaya leaned in close- so close in fact that if he moved any closer their noses would knock, and Shizuo’s eyes went cross as he struggled to maintain his intimidating glare.</p><p> </p><p>“You have to help me.”</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t do the yakuza's dirty work for you.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not..”</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t kill people.”</p><p> </p><p>“You won’t..”</p><p> </p><p>“And I won’t kidnap children. Or old ladies. Or animals.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m telling you you don’t have to do any dirty work! You’ll just have to help me get some groceries.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.” Shizuo said, at a loss for words. He hadn’t expected such a normal request from Izaya. “Alright.”</p><p> </p><p>“I-It’s not like you have the right to refuse. It is part of your job. Don’t flatter yourself thinking <b>the great</b> Orihara Izaya is asking for help for a peasant like you…”</p><p> </p><p>“Hai hai, let’s go.” Shizuo grabbed Izaya by the arm and started to steer him to the fresh produce aisle. “You okay, flea? You have a flush..”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine. Just peachy.” Izaya stepped out of Shizuo’s warm, gentle grip- how dare he touch him, and how dare his heart go <em> DOKI </em> at the gentle touch <b>how dare</b>- </p><p> </p><p>“Speaking of peaches, you got some nice ones.” Izaya attempted to distract Shizuo (and himself).</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry but peaches are out of season now.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course they are. Hey Shizu chan, is that a banana in your pocket or are you just excited to see me?”</p><p> </p><p>Shizuo started taking off his apron.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>...This chapter was getting too big and it seemed like a good place to stop here at first.  Hehe. Cliffhanger (o´▽`o)"</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whoa Shizu chan we’re in public…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shizuo reached into his pants...and brought out a banana. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here you go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Izaya slapped it away and it flew into a meat grinder, which was turned on for some mysterious reason, and was pulverized in seconds. “Why are you carrying around a banana in your pants??!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It was supposed to be my lunch.” Shizuo sounded upset as he turned off the meat grinder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just a banana isn’t lunch! What about real food”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m rationing. I have to pay rent by the end of the week, and it doesn’t help that I didn’t get paid at my last few jobs because I kept getting fired- thanks to a certain someone.” Shizuo glared at Izaya who looked away with a “Teehee~! :P” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop making your face into emojis. It’s creepy.” Shizuo extended his hand. “Show me your grocery list.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t have one.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What was that paper then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No comment.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well then how am I supposed to help you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fair point.” Izaya tapped his index finger on his lip, thinking. Shizuo thought he looked cute, then stomped that thought out violently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My sisters- Kururi and Mairu, are coming over today. And normally I’d order takeout or have my secretary run errands and do the cooking for me..”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Spoilt brat..”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that and not stab you because I need your help. So anyways. My sisters are little demons and they’ve insisted that I cook for them. They might end up killing me in my sleep if I do otherwise and piss them off..”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sounds like you alright.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I need to buy food. I’m thinking, instant ramen, lots of energy drinks, and jello for dessert! What do you think?” Izaya’s eyes had no right to sparkle like that after such a horrible idea</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that how you fed them since they were kids?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Only when the housekeeper was absent. And how else was I supposed to deal with hyperactive twins with no parents around?” Izaya sounded defensive. That wasn’t good, thought Shizuo- Izaya was finally warming up to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright. Since you have no valid cooking experience…” Shizuo spoke to himself as he started strolling through the aisles and looking at ingredients with a thoughtful scowl, “I’ll make sure it’s quick and easy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll make sure it’s quick and easy- the title of your sextape.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” Shizuo yelled to Izaya from the grains section.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I said </span>
  <em>
    <span>“The vegetable’s going to escape.”</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good thinking.” Shizuo picked up shallots and carrots and added them to Izaya’s shopping cart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Izaya really </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>wanted to make a reference to </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shizuo’s carrot</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but his thoughtful frown was too sexy and he didn’t want to ruin it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shizuo turned around and added a half-dozen pack of organic eggs to the cart with a “The easiest thing for you would be to scramble eggs…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’d let you scramble my eggs.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shizuo continued muttering to himself as he mentally ticked off a checklist of ingredients, adding soy sauce and a few essential spices to the cart. “Not even you can mess up omurice.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You could mess me up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shizuo, who had squatted down to reach for something in the freezer shelf and was pushing aside noisy plastic packs of frozen goods, missed what Izaya said yet again. “What?” He asked, putting a pack of frozen chicken strips in the cart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“CHICKHEN STRIIIIPS!” Izaya screamed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t have to be so excited about it.” Shizuo laughed, not getting the vine reference. “Just deep fry them and they’ll go well with omurice. And sauté these vegetables…” Shizuo continued to give Izaya a crash course on Lazy Dinners 101.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Izaya stared blankly at him: half-listening, half fantasizing about Shizuo cooking- for him, at his home, on a lazy Sunday dinner date, just the two of them… dangerous </span>
  <em>
    <span>dangerous </span>
  </em>
  <span>thoughts- he chased them away with his pocket knife.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want desserts Shizu chan. Can I have a taste, sweetie?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shizuo jumped 2 steps back, guarding his body with arms crossed in front of his chest Wakanda forever-style. “Nuh uh, no stabbing the person trying to help you.” He still vividly remembered the stab wound Izaya left on his chest on their first meeting all those years ago, and his eyes lit up as he glanced past Izaya. “What about fruits for desserts?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yuck.” Izaya stuck his tongue out like a child. “On second thought, </span>
  <span>do you have raisins?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shizuo found a pack and put it in the cart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But i was going to ask, “How about a date?...”” Izaya trailed off as Shizuo lifted up the shelf to dig out a stray pack of dates that had fallen in between two shelves. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nevermind.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shizuo shrugged and put it back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, Shizu chan if I was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow </span>
  <em>
    <span>my seed</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Izaya wagged his eyebrows.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hah, you’d be no sweet fruit! You’d be a lemon- sour and acidic.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So mean!” Izaya pouted and looked away. “I don’t want fruits anymore!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shizuo shook a can of whipped cream in his face. “Strawberries taste good with this!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>What it doesn't say on the back of that can of whipped cream is that it tastes </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>good on my skin.” Izaya winked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow, whipped cream can also be used as moisturizer? You learn something new everyday!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Izaya shook his head. “You’re hopeless.” He grabbed hold of his cart and started to move towards the check-out counter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let me…” Shizuo attempted to take the cart from his hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. I can do this myself.” Izaya (tried to) push him aside- but Shizuo was a brick wall- that smelled </span>
  <em>
    <span>amazing </span>
  </em>
  <span>for some goddamn reason- disarming Izaya.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time Izaya had snapped out of his internal crisis, Shizuo was halfway to the counter. “Stop being such a fucking gentleman!” Izaya dashed past him and stood in front of the counter, arms and legs splayed wide to block his way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“MOVE IZAYA!” Shizuo warned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“NO!” Izaya screamed back, pissed that Shizuo would dare think he’s not strong enough to push a measly cart, dare treat him like a damsel in distress in need of his saving, like some heroine in a cheesy shoujo manga…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Damn it Izaya!” Shizuo managed to swerve the cart at the last minute, and the cart grazed Izaya’s shoes as it whooshed past him and crashed into the neat file of carts lining the side of the entrance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shizuo and Izaya stood there, with bated breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nothing happened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both let out sighs of relief.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a high pitched squeaky sound.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh oh.” They said in unison.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Like dominoes- perfectly stacked to fall in place- the carts bumped into more nearby carts, pushing them all off balance and into motion along with them, heading towards the giant tower of cans that Shizuo had spent all morning to construct. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s in all those cans?” Izaya asked, running after the runaway carts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s only soup!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you buying clothes at the soup store?” Izaya quoted memes as he did when under stress.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you saying?! This is getting out of hand.” Shizuo yelled as he chased after the runaway shopping cart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You think?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Go away! You’re gonna make things worse and get me fired again.” Shizuo broke off a piece of the nearby shelf and attempted to block Izaya’s path. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Izaya used Shizuo as a pole vault to jump across the barrier and started running atop the shelves. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“IZZZAAAYYYYAA!!” Shizuo roared as his instinct kicked in and he began chasing Izaya instead, completely forgetting the runaway domino-carts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh oh.” Izaya came to a sudden halt, and Shizuo skidded to a stop just below him. “Uh oh.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In slow motion, they watched as the cart train crashed into the soup can pyramid, and everything came crashing down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Izaya took out his wallet. “How about I pay for that-?”  He dodged the flying shelf of condoms Shizuo had thrown at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CITY!”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kururi and Mairu looked at the food on the table, then at each other, then at their very out of character older brother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This isn’t homemade food!!” Mairu whined.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oath breaker.” Kururi joined her sister.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ittadakimasu.” Izaya said quietly, and dug into his own cup of steaming instant ramen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No comeback? Who are you and what did you do to our brother?” Mairu asked, scandalized. “You look kinda sus!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Imposter!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Izaya let out a deeper sigh and continued to stuff his face with burning hot noodles.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The twins stared at each other in confusion. Was he… depressed?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The least you could do is pick up some sushi for us!” Mairu tried one last time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“From Ikebukuro.” Kururi added as an incentive.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shizu chan said the next time I’m seen in Ikebukuro, I’m fried sushi.” Izaya cried into his ramen. “It’s the worst type of sushi!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“OHH!” The twins said together. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Of course!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Izaya felt guilty that he got Shizuo fired again, even though he didn’t want to this time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mission: Win back Shizuo san’s kokoro - commence operation?” Mairu asked Kururi in a hushed whisper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Affirmative!” Kururi answered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was matchmaking time!</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! (◕‿◕)♡ Stay tuned for more cuteness!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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